Before the pandemic, parents were typically “hands off” when it came to their teen’s social lives. Their independence allowed them to have social interactions that weren’t monitored, allowing them to develop important social skills. But as we’re all more homebound, parents are finding themselves inadvertently more involved in their teen’s lives. You may have noticed that your child is struggling or showing signs of anxiety, depression, or apathy. Perhaps you’ve tried to remain distant during this time as a way to allow them maintain a sense of autonomy, but you can tell they are still struggling. At surface level, you may not even notice that anything is wrong. This is a difficult time for all of us, so it’s important to know how to tell if your teen needs help and what you can do.
Building Trust in the Relationship
Before we jump into the warning signs that your teen might be struggling, it’s important to know that they could be hiding (intentionally or unintentionally) what they’re going through from you. Warning signs often go missed or unnoticed because of that barrier, or because the teen’s life may look the same from the outside. You have to go deeper to be able to see the warning signs that they’re having a tough time.
When was the last time you had a genuine conversation with your teen?
It can be scary for teens to open up. They are used to having information being used against them – by their teachers, parents, and peers. They are conditioned to protect themselves by concealing information. Probing into your teen’s life is often associated with judgment, like you’re busting them for doing something wrong. If they feel like they are going to get in trouble for saying the wrong thing or having done something wrong, they won’t be honest with you. You are allowed to have opinions and unapproving thoughts when they do open up to you, but if you react by reprimanding or criticizing them, they’ll lose trust in you and shut down.
It can also be scary for parents to lose that sense of control. Maybe you don’t want to know every detail about what’s going on in your teen’s life. Or perhaps you might be worried that now your teen thinks you’re friends, they’ll take advantage of that, do bad things, or curse at/around you. Giving your teen power isn’t about losing total control. It’s about tipping the scales towards more mutual respect. You are still allowed to set boundaries based on that mutual respect and your role as their parent. Respect is earned by being honest and having a good relationship, not by being in charge or demanding. Nurturing, supporting, and guiding your teen is how you can gain their respect and have a more genuine and open relationship.
A great way to build trust with your teen is to acknowledge wrongdoing on your part. The old adage, “Do as I say, not as I do” does not work. Parents lose credibility and teens become resentful. Instead, recognize when you could have done something better. Model overcoming loss of control and sincerity by apologizing. You don’t have to be perfect all the time. If there’s something you don’t know, be honest about that and take the time to learn about it. This shows that it’s OK to be vulnerable. They’ll learn that it’s OK to make mistakes and be vulnerable with you.
Getting Your Teen to Open Up
To form a connection with your teen, and to gather information so you can effectively help, approach your teen from a place of genuine interest in their life and perspective. The conversation has to start with why you are gathering information and that it’s coming from a place of care and not entrapment.
Here are a few helpful phrases to start the conversation:
- I’ve noticed that you’ve been quiet lately and I want to support you however I can.
- It’s been a while since we’ve talked and I want to check in and see how you’re doing.
- I know things are hard right now. I’m here for you – how can I help?
- This is a difficult time for all of us. How are you coping?
- Can we have an honest and genuine conversation? I’m not trying to trick you to get you in trouble. I just want to listen and be supportive.
If your teen feels safe, they will open up to you. Then you’ll be able to really see what’s going on in their life so you can better understand and help.
Signs that Your Teen is Struggling Socially
Now that you’ve gotten through to your teen and they are opening up to you, you can look out for warning signs that they are struggling with their social life.
Outside language (especially when it comes to social media):
- “I’m not like anyone else.”
- “Everyone else gets to do this.”
- “Everyone else is like this, but not me.”
- “I’m not like the others.”
- “I’m different from everyone else.”
Apathy and hopelessness:
It seems like nothing is there. There’s no passion. They feel like they’re waiting and hoping it will be better tomorrow, but tomorrow never gets here. You hear them say things like, “why bother?”, “what for?”, or “who cares?” There’s little motivation when it comes to school, spending time with friends (in-person or virtually), or other activities they once enjoyed.
What You Can Do to Help Your Teen
A lot of parents wonder, “how much or how little should I be involved in my teen’s social life?” Even though your teen is independent, there is still a necessity for intention. Don’t conflate independence with a lack of intention, and don’t leave it up to chance for your teen’s social life to improve. The key ingredient for improving your teen’s social life is intention. This doesn’t mean you have to micromanage their life, but it does mean that whether you are “hands-off” or more involved, it was a deliberate choice with the goal of supporting your teen.
Be a Part of Their Social Life:
Parts of our social lives have been stripped away from us because of the pandemic. With fewer social interactions, it’s important for all of us that we add in more fun things to do that’s safe. Add to your teen’s social life and be a part of it.
Schedule a time to hang out with your teen. Give them a chance to have fun with you, rather than the typical parent-child relationship where you are in charge. Empower them to be in charge. Let them decide what you’re going to do – let them choose the music, games, or activity. What can they teach you? What can you learn from them?
Play a Role in Making Friends
Just because your child has reached their teen years, doesn’t mean you can’t play a role in helping them make new friends. Look for social outlets, such as local clubs, online groups, or other resources. Organize virtual hangouts or talk to your teen about starting a club based on their interests. Don’t wait for something else to do it for you.
How Teen Therapy can Help
It’s exhausting to raise a teen. Parents are tired, teens are struggling, and it can feel like an uphill battle just to have an honest conversation. Therapy for your teen gives you a break from having to be the only adult(s) concerned with their social life. It empowers them to make friends, have healthy relationships, set boundaries, find motivation, and enjoy life again. Contact Fernando to learn more about how teen therapy in Davie can help and get started.
