Welcome back to my sixth blog post of my MasterClass blog series. I took Chris Hadfield Teaches Space Exploration and am excited to share with you everything I learned about relationships, couples counseling, and family therapy during this course. If you want to read even more about my takeaways from this class on space exploration, check out Part 1.
Therapy and Family Stigma
Astronauts on the International Space Station (ISS) spend most of their time inside. But they get the opportunity to “spacewalk” – be in a suit outside of the space station, in space. Spacewalking is a new human experience. There are techniques the astronauts have been taught for other aspects of their job, but spacewalking is so new, they have to learn techniques while they do the job, trying to make it better and teach others.
This is very much like families and cultures that historically have not “believed” in therapy. “We don’t talk to people about our problems with strangers.” “There’s nothing wrong with me/us. I/we don’t need therapy.” Therapy and mental health care is, unfortunately, still stigmatized. It’s a very foreign concept for many families and cultures. It’s often taught that you just do for others and never put your needs first. Self-care doesn’t exist in some families and hasn’t for many generations.
A Pioneer of Therapy
Therapy is becoming less and less stigmatized. We’re now being more openly exposed to mental health care, talking about mental illness, and practicing self-care. If you are the first person in your lineage to go to therapy, or to even consider going to therapy, you may be labeled as weird or the “black sheep” of the family. But take that step – you are a spacewalker! You are a pioneer! It takes courage to take that step. You are the one willing to go into space when no one else has. Your family may feel shame or place shame on you for doing something brand new and outside the norm. Forgive them because they don’t understand that, and give yourself a pat on the back for doing this for yourself and your family even without their encouragement.
Now that you are the spacewalker of your family and haven’t been taught all of the techniques for mental health care, you have to figure it out as you go. You’ll learn the language to effectively communicate, learn new coping mechanisms and techniques, and can share your new emotional intelligence with your family. You can then talk to them about it so they are curious and may want to explore more about themselves. It takes bravery – you’re going into an unknown space that needs to be explored. Parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts haven’t done this. If you don’t have the support of your family it may feel discouraging, but it doesn’t mean the goal of health isn’t worth the journey. I, as well as others experienced in mental health, support you. There is hope in consistency, and your family may be inspired by your efforts over time.
I’m not trying to change the culture of a family, but trying to strengthen families. When I teach you tools, techniques, and language, don’t do it exactly how I told you. Shape it into whatever is best for you and your family. Here’s the starter manual, take it, and evolve it. The whole point of therapy is figuring out what works best for you. That’s what exploration is all about. You may do something better than what I’ve given you. Take what you’ve been given and explore, tinker, and discover more about yourself.
You are now the pioneer making it easier for your children and future generations to access mental health care. You’ve effectively shifted the course of your family by integrating mental health into your own lifestyle that can be passed down.
Couples Exploring Each Other
Exploration as a couple is incredibly important. It’s how you keep a relationship fresh, interesting, and spicy. There are two ways to do this: 1. Exploring more about yourself to share with your partner (so they can discover more about you), and 2. Exploring more together as a couple.
- Give your partner new areas to explore about you. Your partner cannot explore this area of yourself that you have not been willing to explore about yourself. Learn a new instrument, then play it for your partner. How does your partner know what it feels like to be serenaded if you’ve never serenaded them before? It gives you a reason to be proud of and root for each other. When you share something new about yourself, it’s not just something new for you. It’s new for both of you. Our partners can only know what we know about ourselves.
- Cheating often happens when relationships become stale. You might be very much in love with your partner, but you are looking for something new and exciting. Or perhaps you want a threesome thinking that’s the solution to excitement. But spicing up the relationship isn’t just in the realm of sexuality. It’s about adding to our lives in general. If there are only two items on the menu, eventually it can feel stale, boring, and limited. Add more items to the menu together. Try new experiences, even if they are every day or mundane things. New is new and will engage both of you. Go to new restaurants, order foods neither of you have ever had before, engage in deep conversations, try new parenting techniques, try a new hobby or sport. Explore not just new destinations, but explore new areas and facets of your lives.
Stages of a Rocket
Chris Hadfield talked about the stages of a rocket as it travels from Earth into outer space, and it’s a lot like couples counseling. The air is thicker at the planet and as you move up, it becomes easier to travel. The jet propellers fall off as you get higher because you don’t need the same amount of power as you get towards space.
This is the biggest hurdle – getting couples above the atmosphere where the real conversations take place. The atmosphere is where the criticisms, defensiveness, resentment, bitterness, and interrupting live, but not where the real problems are fixed. Within the realm of resentment and defensiveness, you’re wrapped up in how you fight rather than what you are fighting for. It’s difficult to get above that and into space. You don’t even remember what the argument was about in the first place, but just how you felt and how you fought. It’s tragic to have a couple experience the pain of disconnect because of how they’re fighting without ever resolving the reason they had conflict in the first place.
When couples first come into therapy together, they need to learn the techniques and skills to communicate effectively. But learning to communicate and all of these techniques can feel like a giant rocket that weighs a ton in the gravity of the atmosphere. It pulls you down and can be mentally exhausting to actively have to think about and use the tools therapists give you. It can be frustrating to have to learn something new, making you feel inept or insufficient. These are common when couples are stuck in the fight, rather than looking to explore.
The tools therapists often provide couples – “I feel” statements, self soothing techniques to keep yourself calm (rather than relying on your partner to keep you calm), not blaming your partner for your reaction, self-care, practicing conversations (not just having them) – can be exhausting to remember to use and then use. You have to practice them repeatedly to master them, just like you practice dribbling for basketball. Sometimes drills and practice aren’t fun, but it helps you get to where you’re going – above the atmosphere where having difficult and heavy conversations become easier. But if you want to get there, you have to have an internal willingness to fight against gravity and explore. Explore yourself, your partner, and be open to change.
Similar to a rocket, once these skills are mastered, they’re often tossed away because you don’t need them in your relationship. You’ve developed the communication skills and intimacy needed to continue your journey through space, and are in a place where the heavy conversations are lighter. You can cruise without relying on structured techniques and tools and can be authentic and genuine.
I’ve helped couples get to space. A place where they can talk about infidelity, the loss of a child or loved one, mental health struggles… deep, intense, difficult topics, and because they’ve gotten above the atmosphere, the conversations are easy. Here on earth, a thousand pound weight is too heavy to lift. But in the weightlessness of space, the weight is the same size and just as important, but it has a lightness to it that allows you to have the conversation and move forward together, even closer than you were before.
Contingency Simulations
As part of NASA’s training program, they run contingency simulations where they simulate the death of an astronaut. They have to plan for scenarios where a team member has died so everyone can be prepared for the risks, and so the rest of the team knows how to continue on without that person. Astronauts have to accept death as a risk, rather than pretending these scenarios won’t occur. It also teaches the astronauts humility when they’ve made a mistake that killed you and your crew.
Chris Hadfield had his wife come to a training where he knew it was a contingency simulation and that he was going to die as a part of the simulation. She was there to witness how the crew responds and the media aftermath: NASA contacting the press, cameras, lights, the press coming to her house potentially before she may have even heard about his death. She was part of the contingency simulation. While this sounds dramatic or morbid, preparation is an important part of preparing astronauts and their families for difficult situations.
As part of my therapeutic practices, I run couples and families through contingency simulations. Instead of just saying, “here’s a better way to approach this”, I’ll give them a real world test experience. I’ll have the person pretend to be mad and yell hurtful words as they would in real life. When you hear these words in this order, knowing that’s a trigger, how would you respond? Then I ask them to play out that reaction. With families there are a variety challenges and dynamics that contingency simulations would help them prepare for: What if your child comes out of the closet? For some people, that’s a very challenging experience. How would you approach that conversation? What if your child tell you they are pregnant? What if you are a teen and your parent starts screaming at you? Depending on the family, these are things that will occur and have occurred. It’s better to be prepared than to ignore that they won’t happen.
You can use contingency simulations in your own life. What happens when every college you’ve applied to rejects you? What are real things you can do to cope and get through it? Without getting carried away and catastrophizing, how do we handle it without inserting the emotionality right now? These plans help you plan and cope in a logical way that helps you, rather than hurts you. They are like fire drills at school. We could tell everyone what to do, but the practice is what actually helps. If there weren’t drills, chaos would ensue because we are emotional creatures. Simulations help you practice for challenges that will come your way. When you practice fire drills, it’s not because you are hoping for a fire, but because it’s a real thing that people have to deal with sometimes. The same can be said for emotional challenges and relationships.
Thrive in Your Relationships with Therapy
Therapy can help you explore and strengthen your relationships. You’ll learn new things about yourself and your loved ones. If you are ready to explore the possibility of therapy, I offer a free 20-minute consultation. Contact Fernando Campos to get started.
