Couples CounselingWhat is Couples Counseling or Relationship Therapy?

What’s it like being in couples counseling?

Couples counseling is all about helping people work through the dynamic of their relationships. It’s not about a quick fix or an instant solution and often involves lots of different aspects to navigate through.

Being in a relationship is sometimes easy, but it can sometimes be difficult too. Our individual dynamics, personal values and life stories are merged into one collective existence, which is bound to lead to some conflict.

To find our most productive results, sessions can be between 15 minutes and 60 minutes long, or sometimes longer if that’s what works for you. There can be a lot to say and it’s important to me that everyone in the session can feel heard, no matter what it is they need to get off their chest.

At the same time, I’m always cautious of not letting an argument explode during a counseling session. However, it can be really helpful from a therapist’s perspective to see how couples argue, assessing behaviors and the ways in which we get our ideas across.

I’m eager to use our sessions productively, taking on an awareness of arguments whilst also figuring out why they’re happening rather than who is to blame.

It’s paramount that each side of a couple is given the space and freedom to engage. Goals we want to reach together can often spiral into complaints about either side of the couple. My aim is to avoid complaints and work towards a common goal, a resolution that works for the good of the relationship.

What’s a common problem you see with couples?

Rather than aspiring towards a particular mutual goal that is unique to the individuals, people often come armed with generalizations.

Instead of suggesting something they desire as specific to themselves, people can often resort to generalizations about other people and experiences that are not their own.

For example, if someone wanted their partner to hold their hand more or to be intimate more frequently, they might say phrases like:

Why is it so hard for my partner to do this? Everyone does this so why can’t we?

These kinds of statements reinforce the idea that everyone should be doing the same thing, everyone should be at the same stage of their life or their relationship.

Generalizations sweep everyone into the same category and ultimately take away the power of choice and individuality.

My approach is to move couples away from the notions of what they should or shouldn’t be doing more or less of, and to look at what they are doing already. From there, we can make adjustments and move forward.

What are your thoughts on communication?

One of the first things people often say is that communication is important or essential for a relationship to work. This pushes people into the assumption that more communication guarantees a healthier relationship.

It is quality, meaningful communication that’s valuable to a relationship.

Instead of shouting back and forth, let’s find a resolution to work towards together.

What are healthy expectations in a relationship?

As a couples counselor, I’m clear that it isn’t my job to curb expectations.

In my sessions, I try to help people to understand that expectations are personal to us, free from generalization or gendered categorisation.

The main thing I believe is that it’s important for people to recognize their value and expectations and acknowledge whether they are healthy and realistic.

Forcing your expectations onto somebody else and being upset when they don’t come through is not healthy, especially if that person doesn’t fully understand what those expectations are.

It’s also important to remember that they might not be capable of fulfilling your expectations, or their values might be different to yours.

They have the right to express it if they don’t feel they can meet them so easily.

Counseling can help us merge those expectations and reevaluate what a couple expects of each other, finding a way for each person to fulfill it.

Let’s talk about sex

Sex should be super easy and normal to talk about but because of social pressures and expectations, it has become a lot harder than that.

Everyone on Earth came about as a result of sex. It is completely natural and is something couples have to be able to talk about openly in order to reach a mutual resolution, especially if it’s a key problem in the relationship.

Much like parenting, another difficult subject to talk about, sex is deemed a skill that we should be naturally good at. People want to be good at it without trying, equating their ability as a lover to their value as a person.

My therapy goes into why this is, freeing couples from shame and judgement and encouraging open conversation.

On both the subjects of sex and parenting, we need to free ourselves of the moral qualifications we think these activities give us and instead consider how we can be better, especially as a couple.

 

Who do you think should go to therapy?

 Anyone should go to therapy, no matter what stage of their journey they’re at.

Whether you’re in a relationship or separated, couples counseling can be a great way to work through changing dynamics and figure out how to manage them going forward.

A lot of couples seek therapy at a turning point or a shift in their lives. For example, after having a child, a relationship can become strained because a whole new person has been added into the dynamic. That can be hard to cope with alone.

People start to distance themselves from one another and communication breaks down. Therapy can keep this path of communication open before things hit a wall.

I want the notion of therapy to be normalized. Seeking these conversations before you reach emotional turmoil or waiting for an explosion can be especially beneficial.

Let’s move away from goal-orientated thinking and instead, start using a value-orientated vision. With this in mind, we can establish mutual values and expectations that are ultimately the foundation to any healthy relationship.

Do you have more questions about couples counseling? Or are you ready to get started? Contact Fernando today to learn more about our relationship therapy in Davie.